


Presidential Debate Highlights 2020

by praisemadamespellman



Series: CRACK [2]
Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018), Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018) RPF, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina - Sarah Rees Brennan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Existential Crisis, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26904946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/praisemadamespellman/pseuds/praisemadamespellman
Summary: Zelda Spellman goes up against Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential DebateThis is a CRACK fic written for Madame Spellman Fictober 2020's bonus week Crack theme.
Relationships: Zelda Spellman/Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith
Series: CRACK [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957273
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15
Collections: Madam Spellman Fictober Challenge





	Presidential Debate Highlights 2020

### Presidential Debate Highlights 2020

Chris Wallace sat in a very uncomfortable chair with his favourite bright red and blue tie, shoved his glasses further up his nose, tried to ignore how glaringly bright the lights were and turned to the cameras; “We welcome the Republican nominee, President Trump and the Democratic nominee, High Priestess Spellman.”

Obligatory clapping came from the audience as the cheeto-coloured rat bastard lumbered pitifully onto the stage wearing a bright red baseball cap with MAGA in large white letters written across it and the same old navy suit he always wears. As Zelda Spellman came into view, the audience got to their feet and cheered loudly - someone threw a pack of cigarettes in appreciation and they slid across the stage to land at her feet. Reaching down, the immaculately styled redhead scooped up the pack of cigarettes, tore it open, placed one in her tiny gold cigarette holder ring, and lit it before taking a long drag. The first row of the audience, entirely full of 20-something lesbians, all swooned. 

Sauntering to her place at the podium, Zelda straightened her best Directrix Spellman black suit and smiled politely to Chris Wallace before arching her brow and sneering in Trump’s general direction. As Zelda’s domestic partner, Lilith had been offered a seat on her own near the front but she preferred to sit among the lesbians (much to their delight). She wore a tight black dress with a bright badge pinned just above her breast that had a picture of Zelda wearing sunglasses and laughing while holding her cigarette with Zelda’s campaign slogan “WAP: Witches Against the Patriarchy” written on it in bold font.

“Well...I mean now….we can see that she’s a good looking gal….obviously that’s why you’re all cheering right?….I really good looking gal. If I were twenty...actually that doesn’t even matter….see my wife is twenty-something years younger so really..I can get anything I want.....I could grab that right now if I wanted to. That redheaded pussy….I could grab it right now.” Trump, talking to himself, suddenly realized the microphone was on. “Oh! Uh… is this thing on? Oh well I won’t apologize for the truth….because you know I always tell the truth! The truth is I will make America great again! Because a great America leads to great people and great people help make us great!”

Zelda’s icy voice cut through Trump’s endless blubbering, “The only ‘great’ thing about you is how close you are to death...though I pity the Reaper who will have to collect you. I’m sure you’d try to incoherently interrupt your way out of death as well.”

Chris Wallace did his best to steer the debate and keep it on focus but he was just a man and no match for Trump. He attempted to ask about the Supreme Court where Trump nominated conservative Judge Amy Coney Barrett to fill the seat left vacant by the death of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. To which Trump replied, “We won the election, elections have consequences!”

When asked how she felt, Zelda turned her steely gaze to Trump, pure fury reflected in those shining emeralds; “Thank you Mr. Wallace. If you are asking me if I would nominate a conservative judge who believes Roe vs. Wade should be overturned and that judges should be bound by their religious faith (to a False God no less) to replace a powerhouse of a woman like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, my answer is a resounding absolutely not!” 

“Ahh Chris, that’s just jealousy...you can see that Zelda here is just jealous that there could be another hot woman in a leadership role...she just wants to be the only one. You know... back when I was visiting the Playboy Mansion (because that’s how great America is folks)...I remember seeing how petty women could be. I mean they all had their tits out….you know… bouncing around in the pool….in Hugh’s grotto… but they all hated each other because that’s what women do….hate each other for their nice tits.”

“It sounds like you’re the jealous one, Mr. President.” Zelda choked on the formalities of using his title but she refused to lower herself to his level of debasement. “Allow me to fix that for you…” Zelda snapped her fingers and to Trump’s horror, his suit began to push away from his body as two Playboy Bunny-sized breasts grew beneath his shirt. “Much better.”

Chris looked mortified as he quickly cut off the orange-hued man before he began to speak; “Mr. President. Will you tell us how much you paid in federal income taxes in 2016 and 2017?” 

“Millions of dollars Chris...” As Zelda took a drag from her cigarette and blew it out with some words under her breath, Trump’s nose suddenly began to extend away from his face. “...MILLIONS of dollars!” His nose grew even bigger still and Zelda chuckled softly as the audience giggled as the expression on the fake-news-lover’s face grew horrified. 

Knowing the answer, Zelda leaned forward and interrupted Trump, “So you didn’t pay $750 in taxes over that time?”

“No! Of course not...I paid just like every other great American in the greatest country in the entire world...I pay my taxes just like anyone else....I paid MILLIONS.” To his horror, Trump’s nose pushed out another foot to dangle precariously over his podium like an overdrawn caricature of Cyrano de Bergerac. 

“Mr. Wallace, it’s fairly obvious the President is not being honest. Please...continue, I grow increasingly bored of his unintelligible monologues. Honestly, America, to give evil a name is to give it power. Mr. President here would whittle down to absolutely nothing if we would simply turn our attention and energy elsewhere.” As Zelda spoke, Trump began to shrink until he could barely see over the podium and someone had to get him a step stool to stand on. 

The debate continued and with each lie that Trump told, his nose grew even longer, while Zelda eloquently and effectively expressed what she would do if she won the election; “I plan on electing an entirely female office, Mr. Wallace. As my partner has so very wisely said, women should be in charge of everything. From there, we will go on to promote and support a matriarchal society like the one we were robbed off since the beginning of time. With the support of my First Woman, Lilith, I will see to it that not only are women restored to their rightful positions of power, but that men will use their knowledge and talent to support and uplift us rather than dominate us.” 

“Chris...buddy….can she even smoke in here?” Trump was grasping, his nose pulling at his center of gravity, pulling him towards the ground, forcing him to teeter on his step stool. “I mean...it’s probably very illegal...VERY illegal to smoke in here but she’s a beautiful woman...so I understand...she’s a beautiful woman who can get away with illegal things...just like Crooked Hillary. Zelda...I mean what kind of name is that even?....if allowed to, will get away with very illegal things all the time. We can’t let that happen just because she’s beautiful, can we? No. We have to make America great again!”

“Excuse me, Donald?” Zelda’s voice sweetly silenced the walking carrot with a toupee on top. “I would argue that if I were allowed to get away with very illegal things, as you suggest, that getting rid of you would be at the top of my list. Not smoking.” 

There was a WHOOP! from the audience with that comment and Zelda followed it to Lilith’s beaming face and then she heard her voice invading her mind; _Please oh please, let me drag him down to Hell. The minions haven’t had a play thing in so long, darling...they would LOVE to play keep-away with his toupee and see if they could even out his skin tone by setting different parts of him on fire at different times. No one would even know - we could just wipe everyone’s memory and set up a glamour to have the newspapers say he ran away to escape tax evasion._

Zelda’s lips curved upwards in a tender smile as she shook her head, she was going to win this election and losing to a woman - and a progressive, forward thinking witch - would be all the punishment Trump would need. The humiliation and shame he would feel at losing to her would keep him busy for a while, especially on Twitter, where he would likely spend the rest of his days trying to gain control of his followers by sending out erratic, incomprehensible tweets in ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME. After all, how he was seen in the public was what was most important to Donald Trump. _No love, Hell is too good for Trump. We’ll get the minions some chew toys from the pet store on the way home._

Chris Wallace was frustrated and began yelling over Trump’s incessant blabbering; “Will you urge your supporters to stay calm during this extended period not to engage in any civil unrest and will you pledge tonight that you will not declare victory until the election has been independently certified?”

“I’m urging my supporters to go into the polls and watch very carefully...because that’s what has to happen...I’m urging them to do it….because that’s what has to happen...I’m urging them to do it because they weren’t allowed to watch because you know why?...they’re called poll watchers...a very safe, a very nice thing...well they were thrown out - not allowed to watch! You know why...because bad things happen in Philadelphia...BAD things! If I see tens of thousands of ballots being manipulated, I can’t go along with that….it means you have a fraudulent election...they cheat. They found ballots in a waste paper basket and they all had the name Trump on them! We have to MAKE AMERICA GRE-” 

Zelda Spellman threw back her head and laughed. Waving her cigarette at Trump as if he were a pesky fly on Mike Pence’s head, Trump suddenly found himself silenced. Reaching up, his eyes grew wide in horror as he felt the stitches across his lips, keeping his mouth from opening; with his Pinocchio nose veering close to the ground and his sewn lips, he looked exactly as ridiculous as he sounded. Moving around the podium, finally able to speak without interruption, Zelda sauntered slowly to the center of the stage, her lithe form blocking Trump’s view.

“To my constituents - when you support me you become a member of my coven. Imagine being part of something so much bigger than yourself; a collective of individuals who, when supported by one another, have incredible power. As a part of my coven, never again will you have to listen to the lies spewing from this clown. Better yet, you are free to be exactly who you are! The coven does not concern itself with who you love, what you do with your bodies, where you come from, who your family is, or what you believe. I believe in the superiority of women, however, I am willing to consider that, when properly trained, men can also rise within the ranks of the coven.” Walking across the stage to speak to her first row of fans, Zelda’s smile blessed them and they basked in her glow. “And you, my precious gays, you will be the first to succeed and prosper under my presidency!”

As the baby lesbians started to chant “Dah-ddy! Dah-ddy! Dah-ddy!” behind her, Zelda turned back to Chris Wallace; “Any further questions, Mr. Wallace?” 

Chris Wallace was sweating and looked roughly five years older than he did two hours ago. With a glance at the mess Zelda had made of Trump’s face, he shook his head quickly, thrust himself away from his desk and called out, “THANK YOU and GOODNIGHT!”

The audience roared, jumping to their feet, throwing individual cigarettes onto the stage at Zelda’s feet like confetti. She motioned to Lilith to join her on the stage as she waved and beamed into the cameras. Behind the regal redheaded witch, Trump struggled visibly, his nose leading him at an angle down the stairs as he picked at the stitches in his lips. Humiliated and three feet shorter, he stumbled off the stage looking for Melania who had traded her pinstriped suit for an oversized plaid shirt and slouchy beanie, joining the ranks of front row gays chanting alongside them while completely ignoring her revolting husband. 

Joining Zelda on stage, Lilith beamed as she looked out at her love’s admirers. Leaning in, she whispered in Zelda’s ear, “Congratulations my love. Now? Now can I drag him to Hell?”

Pressing a kiss to Lilith’s cheek, Zelda murmured back, “We wouldn’t want him infecting the entire hoard with the deadly disease I just cursed him with darling, let him be. Living in a world where women rule will be hell enough for him.” 

Lilith joined Zelda’s laugh as they waved to the audience and cameras, securing a clear victory. Dejected, Trump hurried away to the sound of: “We want the witch, not that whiny bitch! We want the witch, not that whiny bitch! We want the witch, not that whiny bitch!”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are so welcome! Did you laugh? Did you cry? Who else wants Daddy Zelds 4 Prez?


End file.
